Wrestling with Grief

 

“But grief still has to be worked through. It is like walking through water. Sometimes there are little waves lapping about my feet. Sometimes there is an enormous breaker that knocks me down. Sometimes there is a sudden and fierce squall. But I know that many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.” - Madeleine L’Engle, “Two-Part Intervention: The Story of a Marriage”

This post was going to be about my first time going to an AEW show. Some of it will be. I was so happy and grateful to be able to attend the AEW Dynamite that took place in Indianapolis, Indiana on September 23rd. Even more so when Tony Khan announced it would be a three hour special Dynamite followed by Collision as the go-home show before their next PPV, “All Out.” My friend Tom Green snagged me an extra ticket and I went with him and his son Nolie.

The show itself was amazing. Before it started, there was an official Code of Conduct that was on the screen and went over the loudspeaker. It made it clear there would be no tolerance for hateful signs that crossed a line, nor would harassment of wrestlers or other fans be allowed. I was amazed at this. Girl Fight Wrestling has a similar Code of Conduct that they announce before their shows begin but I could count on one finger the number of other shows that have had this. And here was this nationally televised wrestling company with one of their own. I was impressed.

The show top to bottom was one of the best I’ve ever attended. Every match was fantastic, I got every item on my personal wish list crossed off, and before the show as we made our way to our seats, we went by the area they were broadcasting interviews on TikTok live. I was steps away from Kofi and Austin Creed, and Nolie got a photo with Luchasaurus who was so nice. The seats were perfect, not flat on the floor but elevated enough to see and still close enough for good pictures.

Through a happy accident, I got to tag along as Nolie got to meet Tony Khan himself and I was so unprepared for how genuinely nice and down to earth this billionaire was. I won’t disclose the details of their conversation as that belongs to Nolie alone, but just watching the interaction warmed my heart. We were backstage and all around us the team of professionals were dismantling the stage, packing up as it was after 11pm - and here was the owner of the company giving his sole focus to a teenage boy. Asking questions, engaging him like he was the only important person in the arena. It was genuinely so lovely. And it must have been a 20-25 minute conversation. Tony asked him towards the end if he wanted a picture and Nolie said sure. Then, Nolie looked at me and said, “Do you want to get in this?” You could have knocked me over with a feather. Tony looked at me and nodded and I was like, absolutely! So in addition to a picture with just the two of them, I have a picture of the three of us together. Things were winding down at that point, and, in my life, I have often regretted not speaking up at moments I will never be able to capture again. Sometimes it’s social anxiety and sometimes it’s not realizing the moment is there until it’s too late.

I have been determined to have less regrets in my life so as Tony hugged Nolie and shook Tom’s hand, he shook mine and I said, “Sir I may never have this opportunity again so I would like to tell you something.” He then gave me the same focus he had given Nolie. I cannot tell you the exact words I used because I was trying to be articulate and calm, but I told him that I was very grateful for the fact he, from the beginning, treated the women who wrestle for him as equals to the men and had given them the same respect. I’m someone who needs to rehearse or practice what I’m going to say when I get the opportunity to meet famous people, and I had had no opportunity for that here. So I stuttered and stammered a bit and then I kinda choked up. I thought for a moment, “Oh my god Jen don’t fucking cry in front of this man” - then Tony Khan said, “Oh don’t cry!” and he pulled me in for a hug.

I REALLY struggled to hold it together then because - honestly, could you ever imagine Vince McMahon doing something like that? I couldn’t/can’t. Yet here was this billion-dollar owner of a wrestling company was offering me something as human as a hug because I was emotional. He let go and I thanked him again for giving women the same platform as the men right off the bat (I was thinking of all the moments the women in WWE had had to go through), and for reinvigorating my love of wrestling. There was a lot more I wanted to say but he had already given enough of his time and I didn’t want to take more of it. Plus, I had a two hour drive home. He thanked us all for coming and then we were out of there.

One of the matches that was announced for Collision was Ace Austin vs PAC. I remembered seeing Ace when he wrestled for IWA Mid South in the Flea Market in Memphis, Indiana so it was wild seeing him in an arena full of fans. But I lost my mind when it was announced he was wrestling PAC. Because PAC was someone I discovered when I started getting into independent wrestling in 2010-2011. His style instantly captivated me and I was so happy when he got signed to WWE. There’s a case to be made that he was one of the people who helped build NXT into what it became under the Black and Gold era. His body control was insane. What he could do was breathtaking. I had never seen anyone do what he could do and I followed his journey through NXT to the main roster, his match against Seth Rollins and then into 205 Live and on to become the King of the Cruiserweights. It was frustrating seeing him sidelined but understandably so, and I respected the fact he chose to sit out his contract until he was free to do what he wanted with his career. (At least, that’s what I’ve read and been led to believe. I could be wrong on the details, but in the end it’s a moot point.)

When he joined AEW I was ecstatic. I couldn’t help but think that he was going to help the company grow into the competition that was sorely needed on television - and I was correct. Everything he did from showing up in full gear to interrupt Adam Page to kickstart their rivalry at the start of the company to forming the Death Triangle with Fénix and Penta and winning the World Trios Championships to becoming the inaugural All Atlantic Champion to joining the Blackpool Combat Club (now the Death Riders) helped cement the company as a place where wrestling was the attraction. PAC gave everything in every single word he spoke, video he shot, match he wrestled. He was truly “a professional who gave a shit.”

I got to see that for the first time in person at AEW Collision in Indianapolis. I took so many photos. I took several of the Black Arrow as he hit it perfectly. It was beautiful. Watching him was like watching poetry in motion. My heart was full when I left that arena full of memories and pictures on my phone. I was grateful to have finally seen one of my favorites wrestle in person without a television screen.

Then, four days later, on September 27th, less than 24 hours after he had a spectacular match against Andrade El Idolo at All Out, PAC - aka Benjamin Satterley - was found dead in his car. The news broke on twitter but I didn’t have it pulled up at the time. I was watching tv when a friend in one of my group chats said “Everyone sit down where you are. PAC has passed.” And included the tweet from the official AEW Twitter.

I broke down. I screamed. I sobbed. I absolutely lost it.

Because how in the entire fuck does a seemingly healthy man who was at the top of his game every time he stepped in the ring, and just had one of the best matches of the night around 12 hours earlier, just…die? How? Why?

This felt different from Brodie Lee (who passed in 2020) and Bray Wyatt (who passed in 2023). Both men, one under AEW contract, the other under WWE contract, passed away still employed with their respective companies but the difference was that neither had been on television for a bit (Brodie had his last match televised on October 7th, 2020 and passed on December 26th; Bray’s last appearance on WWE tv was in mid-February 2023 and he passed in October of the same year). Brodie’s was more sudden given the lack of news but it didn’t quite hit like PAC’s did.

When I thought about it recently before sitting down to write this, I realized the last time I had had such a visceral reaction to a wrestler dying was in September of 2021 when I got a DM on Twitter letting me know that my friend and one of my long time heroines had passed.

Shannon Spruill, aka the “Scream Queen” Daffney, was someone that I gravitated to in 1999 when I discovered her on WCW television. I cannot remember when but it was after I had started watching wrestling in March 1999, first WWF and then WCW. The latter didn’t interest me as much but it had my attention whenever this hyperactive, crazy goth chick was on screen. I discovered her name was Daffney and I adored her from the moment I saw her. Sporting an “I <3 David” shirt and multicolored wigs, she was adorably off her rocker but she was also fearless. Before there was Lita, there was Daffney, who didn’t hesitate to get in and do moves on the guys. When WCW went out of business, I lost track of her until she popped back up in TNA first as a plant in the crowd for Awesome Kong, then as “The Governor” (a parody of then-Alaskan governor Sarah Palin) and finally as the Scream Queen, Daffney. What I didn’t know for a few months was that she had been active in independent wrestling at various promotions and finally showing up at SHIMMER Women Athletes in April 2007. She started wrestling there around the same time she showed up in TNA.

September 2010 was the first time I went to a SHIMMER weekend taping. Within the walls of the Eagles Club in Berwyn, Illinois outside of Chicago, the true seeds of the women’s revolution were planted. Daffney was part of it and one of the biggest reasons I wanted to attend a taping was to get to see her in person. I had started writing for Diva Dirt by that point and the then-owner of the website had mentioned to Daffney that “one of her biggest fans” was going to be attending in September. If it wasn’t for my friend Steven, however, I may not have gotten the courage to approach her. (See above about my social anxiety!) He ushered me up to her and her face actually lit up. She said that she had been told about me and I could have passed out. She was incredibly kind that whole weekend, going out of her way to talk to me, take a picture, even shoot a video for Diva Dirt with me in front of my car. During the entrance for one of her matches, as she circled the ring, she saw me and gave me a wink. Later she told me that she had never broken character for anyone - but she made an exception for me.

After that, we became friends and it was a connection I treasured. I got to see her a few times after that since she was forced to retire from in-ring action and moved to other roles in wrestling such as manager and ring announcer. Seventeen year old me could never have imagined one day I would be friends with the woman behind the character. Over the years she was open about her health issues, physical as well as mental, and I know it helped a lot of us who also struggle with our mental health.

Then, too many of us witnessed her final night on Instagram, August 31st 2021. After her IG stream shut down, I sent her a message on Facebook to her personal account begging her to be okay. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one. The next morning, a friend relayed the news in a DM and I literally collapsed on the floor. I screamed and sobbed and hit the floor. I could barely hold it together to call my boss who, bless her, realized I was in no state to log into phones and work and told me to take the day. I did and spent the rest of it in a daze. One of the brightest lights was extinguished and it made no fucking sense to me.

Having lost first my mother completely unexpectedly in 2012 and then my father after an illness which he seemed to be recovering from but then ultimately succumbed to after a month in the hospital in 2018 - death was no stranger to me. However, the reactions to each were different. With my mother, I mourned but also felt I needed to be strong for my dad as much as I could. I also threw myself into wrestling to escape the pain. I wrote, I drove for hours around town when I needed to get out of the house singing songs at the top of my lungs, I went to therapy and vented to friends. With my father, I did the same although I had a boyfriend who lived with me and was there to support me as best he could. I was extremely fortunate in both circumstances (and also when I had lost other family members before losing my parents) to have not been by myself. However, looking back I was also not able to fully express my grief in the rawest sense because of internalized pressure to, for lack of a better term, “keep it together.”

When Daffney died, I no longer was compelled to keep anything in. And so, I screamed. I reached out and hit the floor with my fists. I hit the walls. I sobbed. I threw things. I released everything and even though the pain remained, the coil in my stomach lessened just slightly.

Despite me not knowing him except what I had seen on tv and on social media, I had the same reaction to PAC’s passing but to a lesser degree. I still yelled and sobbed and struck the carpet. Even more, however, that day and in the days and weeks to come, my heart hurt for his family and for his friends. Watching how his friends and coworkers handled their very public loss was cathartic for myself and I’m sure for other fans as well. As I’m currently writing this, a month has passed and in that month, it has been both beautiful and heart breaking to see how those in AEW have dealt with his sudden death. It bears looking at because, maybe about two weeks or so after his passing, I would occasionally see other “fans” saying AEW was “dragging out” his death and “using” his passing for ratings and attention.

I disagree EXTREMELY strongly with this.

PAC was a central figure in the Death Riders and in AEW as a whole. Prominently featured each week, he either wrestled or was with the group on tv or in videos on social media. He had just had a match with Andrade El Idolo the night before he passed. In less than 24 hours, it wasn’t just a wrestler who passed away.

There’s a group chat who now has a number who will never contribute to the thread again.

There’s a coworker who will never sit in the passenger seat going from one town to the next again.

There’s a best friend who will never give a hug again.

There’s a son and a husband who will never tell his parents and wife he loves them again.

Natalie and Benjamin’s parents are able to grieve privately. And I’m sure that Tony would have given any of PAC’s coworkers and friends time off if they had requested it. He’s shown great empathy towards people who have lost loved ones in the past, such as those who were affected when Brodie Lee passed, but also he himself spoke before the Ring of Honor tapings the Monday the day after PAC passed and you could see him struggling to speak. Watching the video of him speaking made me cry. He said that Dynamite would be a tribute to the fallen man and that everyone who participated would be doing so willingly and out of love. He was visibly emotional speaking about PAC.

However, the Death Riders took their grief and chose to make art out of it.

I’ve said time and again that professional wrestling is art. Violent, brutal, beautiful art. Art that can take your breath away, make you cheer until you are hoarse and angry enough to yell. Throughout history there are innumerable examples of art created out of and from grief and loss. Countless paintings, sculptures, books, poems, songs were the products of their creators working through their grief. It’s one of the most human ways to sort through and deal with your emotions. In the aftermath of their loss, the Death Riders took their pain and channeled it into their work. I would say this was especially true of Jon Moxley and Marina Shafir.

Marina has unofficially taken over the role as a second in command (in my view) and it has been very apparent from her words at Warrior Wrestling and afterwards that PAC’s loss hit her hard. The way her and Moxley have handled their grief and their interactions have really stood out. I’m specifically thinking of a video that was posted to AEW’s socials after the October 14th Dynamite where Renee Paquette went backstage to interview Moxley. This was the second loss in two weeks for Mox and it had set him up to defend his Continental Championship again Mark Davis. Renee says “I know that this has been a very difficult couple of weeks but what is going on?”

Moxley moves past her and proceeds to throw his water bottle, throw a steel chair, throw assorted debris before picking up a long steel pipe and beating a plank of wood until the wood splinters. Mox then throws the pipe down and it sounds like his soul is in pain as he lets out a strangled yell. He braces his hands on a low glass table and bends down and lets out another groan, almost a garbled scream as he lowers himself to his knees. Renee goes to him and kneels down to touch his shoulder and asks in a concerned voice, “Jon what is happening? What is going on?” This is an interview question, but more than that, it’s a wife seeking to let her husband know she is here through her touch.

But we know what’s going on. In this moment, it’s not just pain from the aftermath of a hard match he took part in earlier, nor is it pain from the potential threat his next opponent creates. No, it’s the soul of a man who has lost a friend, a brother in arms. Moxley speaks, his voice like gravel, “I’m in a great deal of pain.” Renee asks, “What kind of pain are you in?” Jon responds, “Not sure I can tell the difference anymore.” In this moment, there is no difference. The pain is just that - loss. A profound, deep loss that has unmoored him. Not just the character. The man.

Then, Renee straightens back up, taking a step back as Marina enters the shot. She kneels down in front of Mox, takes his chin in her hand, and says “Eyes up. Lock in. The only way out is through. You understand me?” Mox pauses, and then says simply, “Yeah.” He looks away then looks back at her and says, “Through.” He takes a moment to grab Renee’s leg, another moment of seeing the man behind the character as he takes the time to let his wife know he’s okay, then stands back up and says, “Through” each time he smacks the chest of Yuta, Garcia and Gabe Kidd. He walks out of the shot past the camera and off to the side we see Marina put her arm around Renee as they exit as well. Both women look saddened.

This candid snapshot of the grief that Moxley, Marina, the Death Riders and, to a wider extent, everyone who knew Benjamin Satterley is working through was enough to make me cry. Because it is exactly the grief that anyone who suffers a close loss has to deal with. Mox’s reactions are identical to anyone who has felt that soul shattering grief. We’ve cried, emitted noises that came from our depths, thrown things, hit things. Lest anyone say that’s an unhealthy way of expressing grief, it truly isn’t.

If I have learned anything on my own journey in life, it is that there is no wrong way to express, show or get your grief out unless it actively hurts yourself or another person. Emotions need to be let OUT, not kept IN. Keeping everything bottled up inside is unhealthy. Ignoring and letting it fester inside does more long term damage than letting it out. Only through expression can we work through it.

Marina was and is correct. “The only way out is through.” The only way you can properly deal with grief is working through it. And that is what we have seen on our television with Moxley and the Death Riders. Marina is acting as the guiding voice that tells us what we need to do to come to terms with forging a life that now has a gaping hole in it.

In the following weeks, whenever the Death Riders have had a match, starting after the tribute show on Dynamite that aired on September 30th, they have found a subtle yet moving way to honor and remember their fallen friend. The chair that PAC would sit in when his music hit and the shot came up framing him in the entry way of whichever arena they were in that night has been incorporated into their entrances. As has the plain white towel he would have draped over his neck, although the towel draped over the chair now is one that is embroidered simply with “Benjamin ‘PAC’ Satterley”. If you watch for it, both items can be seen somewhere in the hallway the Death Rider(s) come down, usually near or underneath their signature Owl logo.

At WrestleDream on October 17th, Jon Moxley’s emotions came to a head as he wrestled Mark Davis for his Continental Championship. Davis was arguably his largest and most challenging opponent to date given his size and strength advantage. And there was a moment when Mox rolled to the outside that he looked ready to give up. He sat against the barricade to catch his breath. That’s when Marina and Daniel Garcia made their way in front of fans and yelled encouragement to him, shouting for him to get up and get back in there. He did so - and when he managed to get the win, he rolled out of the ring and that’s when the pure emotion poured out of him. The other Death Riders encircled him to give him support. You could see the pain and the loss and the sadness but also the determination on his face. He broke down and I would swear that he cried. I can’t say for certain but I think he did. It was a release.

This was a public show of catharsis. I genuinely hope it helped Moxley and everyone else who was able to use wrestling as a means of release to find some peace and relief. They deserve that. We do too.

Elsewhere, in promotions that PAC wrestled for, tributes poured in from DragonGate to RevPro to WWE. Friends in other companies posted their own videos paying respects to their loved ones. Kevin Owens set up a camera for anyone at WWE to speak about him, something that the Lucha Brothers (his former tag partners in AEW), Finn Balor, Sami Zayn and Kevin himself took advantage of. DragonGate held a ten bell salute with a photo of him in the ring. RevPro paid tribute at a show to one of the men that opened the door for so many other British wrestlers. Mustafa Ali wrote his own tribute to PAC on his socials and at Bound for Glory did the King of the Cruiserweight’s signature gesture after entering the ring. The outpouring of love for PAC was moving and beautiful.

AEW released on YouTube an extended video with more tributes and words from his friends who sat down backstage to speak. It is a hard but beautiful watch. Listening and watching Bryan Danielson, the Young Bucks, Roderick Strong, Ciampa (his words especially on, as time passes, losing the feeling of how it felt to hug Ben and hearing him say “I love you” - that was and is especially spot on), Bryce Remsburg (it broke my heart hearing him speak about getting the phone call about Ben as he was walking into the memorial they were having the same day for recently passed Andy “The Butcher” Williams, another person in wrestling we lost way too soon), Stokely Hathaway, Josh Alexander…

And then we get to Chuck Taylor. Who, having known Ben since 2007, when he was 21 years old, was one of the people who had known him the longest out of everyone - there’s a moment where he tears off the PAC armband he and everyone else is wearing and says in the most sad/frustrated/angry voice, “And I have so many of these fucking things now. And I’m so tired of having these. I love you Ben.” He kisses the armband and looks up the camera. His face is worn out. Tired. Hurting.

Chuck Taylor is the picture of grief. His raw open emotion is the outward expression of what he and everyone else who knew Ben was and even a month later is still feeling.

If there is one thing we can take away from this, it is that life is too short. You genuinely don’t know what may happen in the next week, day or hour. Which is why it is so important to take advantage of every opportunity to tell your family and friends you love them. Tell the person you look up to how much you admire them. Text the friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile and let them know you’re thinking of them. Connections are vital in life - take the time to renew the ones that you may have let go of for a bit. And always, always, always take the pictures.

PAC’s legacy, just like Andy Williams, Bray Wyatt, Brodie Lee, Jay Briscoe and everyone else in wrestling that we lost too young, will live forever. We can look back at their matches, see the tribute videos and share the photos. We can also look at the art produced by the grief and be glad that his friends had an outlet that enabled them to work through their emotions, and is still allowing them the space to do so as well as have a community that will support them.

We, too, when we are confronted with grief have the means to work through their emotions. Always remember, it is better to express than repress. Better out than in.

Or, as Marina put it, eyes up. Lock in. The only way out is through.

Gravity may have forgotten you, Benjamin Satterley, but we never will. Thank you for everything.

Bizarro Is Home

Bizarro Lucha in Indianapolis is the best promotion to ever come into my life. It's more than just the amazing matches. Or the fact it starts on time and has a good pace to it. Or even the fact they bring in outside talent to work with the majority local guys and gals.

No, it's the positive vibe, the inclusive atmosphere, the electric energy - it's the fact that, to me and I suspect to a lot of other folks... Bizarro Lucha is home.

I've paused after writing that because I am trying to find the words to express just how much this promotion means to me. Since its creation and first show event in October 2018, there have been six shows as of June 2019 and I have attended all of them except for March of 2019. At the start of every show, the ring announcer, Mr. Bizarro, gives a warning: No racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia or any kind of hatred or disgusting behavior will be tolerated. Period. He goes on to say that Bizarro Lucha is an inclusive, safe environment for everyone. These announcements are usually followed by the crowd chanting, "Don't be a dick! Don't be a dick!" (Which is a good rule of thumb in general.)

Announcements over, the fun begins. On any given night you'll see the up and coming guys and gals plying their trade, putting in the work to get better at their craft (and make no mistake, wrestling is definitely a craft), creating new layers to their characters. It's an art form that you get to see take shape and grow month after month. Guys that may have blended in get to take on new personas and explore what they can do with a new identity, such as Brayden Lee, who tweeted about getting to make his masked character come to life in Bizarro Lucha after growing up dreaming about wrestling as a masked persona. Bizarro gave him the opportunity to bring that dream to life.

This promotion also has brought in stars such as Solo Darling, Joey Ryan and Effy to match up against our home grown stars like the first Bizarro Lucha Champion, Nick Iggy, IFHY (a stable consisting of Johnathan Wolf, Shawn Kemp, Allie Kat, Tyler Matrix, Cole Radrick {among others}), Levi Everett and Ace Perry. To a one, the outside folks have enjoyed their time at Bizarro citing it's atmosphere and energy as different from other promotions.

However, this place has become home to me for a much deeper, personal reason. It has a lot to do with grappling with a grief I've had since February of 2018.

On February 17th, 2018, I lost my Dad, Eddie, after I had to make the difficult and haunting decision to remove life support. The doctors and family all thought it was best, but because I was his power of attorney and had lived with him and my mom all my life, I had to make the final decision. It haunts me to this day. After he passed, even though I wasn't, I felt alone and isolated. My sister had her husband and son to comfort her. At the time, I had my boyfriend and extended circle of friends but only he was there in person to help me. In June, however, we broke up and I felt bereft. The cats I had adopted, Nikko (I got him a month after mom passed, in January 2013) and Mary Lee (adopted in July 2017, I got her because of her name - Mary Lee was my mom's first and middle name), they were there for me and Nikko had a way of coming around when I would cry or feel sad. But in September, his vet uncovered a heart arrhythmia during a routine check, and counseled me as to my options. I chose to let go of him, for fear of coming home to find him gone as sudden death was something that could have happened. This decision haunts me as well - I could have had him scheduled for an echocardiogram to know the extent of the arrhythmia and made decisions from there. Even now I hate the fact I didn't fight as hard for him as I should have. As I should have for my dad.

Come October 2018 I was in a bad way. Two events occurred to help lift my spirits in the short term and the long term. The first was at the end of the month - my friend Alex invited me to come and visit her in New York City and I got us tickets for the first-ever WWE all women's event, "Evolution." It did me a world of good to be with someone I love as much as Alex, and getting to spend a day with one of my best friends, Eric; and then at Evolution to run into Steven, Torri and finally meet Chris.  It was a positive, uplifting week overall that I sorely needed.

The second event happened before I left - the first Bizarro Lucha show. Since Indianapolis is only two hours from me, I drove up as I knew almost everyone on the card. Plus, my friends D, Jordan and Carolina would be there. I wasn't sure what to expect but the experience blew me away. It was much like a SUP Graps show in that it was standing room around the ring and there was nothing but positive energy. I couldn't tell you how many people there were wrestling fans and who might have come out of curiosity and for the chance to drink (it is in a brewery after all!), but everyone was reacting to everything, the wrestlers were clearly enjoying themselves as well and no one was a jerk to anyone else. It was a blast!

The second show wasn't until February of 2019 but it came back in a big way - the first Bizarro Lucha Luchaversal Champion was decided in a battle royal that ultimately Nick Iggy won. In the ensuing year, Nick would hold onto his title by hook or by crook and become one of the most hated villains in the Luchaverse. As he's best known as a tag team specialist with Kerry Awful, it was good to see him develop as a singles competitor and show what he's capable of. I've known him and Kerry since 2013 and they've come a long way into developing into tremendous wrestlers and performers.


Thereafter, until the season finale in October of 2019, I only missed the March show. Otherwise, whether it was every month or if they skipped a month between, I lived for these shows. I lived for the chance to be with my group, to see performers that came in for special occasions, to see local wrestlers grow their skills, to catch up with friends and to get hugs. The February show was on the 10th, 1 day before my Mom's birthday, and 7 days before the first year anniversary of Dad's passing and it was a balm to my spirit to have that support and uplifting to carry me through that hard week. The May 2019 show was a week after my birthday and I was showered in love by friends who helped me get Joey Ryan's lollipop in a concentrated effort that was a surprise to me.


In October, we said goodbye to Mother of Bizarro Lucha, although to us she's our Daddy, Shotzi Blackheart. She took on Ace Perry in a rematch that was 2 out of 3 falls, and it was one of the best matches of the year. However, we were stunned when she lost without getting one fall. The locker room emptied out to gather around the ring with us and Percy presented her with a cake. The moment was priceless and I couldn't help but cry. Same as I had at the aftermath of the match between Mike Quackenbush and the man who came out of retirement just for him, Billy Roc.

Photo credit to Mouse!

For me, emotion is everything in wrestling. I want to feel something. Be it a connection to the wrestlers competing or the beauty in a match, I love it when wrestling evokes feeling. Although there were plenty of matches and shows that made me feel, what I loved the most was the sense of belonging. The feeling of being wanted, being part of something special. The way Carolina's face would light up when she saw me. How Jordan and I would sag against each other after Nick would somehow find a way to keep his title. When D would reach out their arm and shield me from incoming brawling. Knowing Percy would be there with one of his big hugs. Finding a moment or two to chat with Nick about our cats. Being able to thank Tripp for being willing to take on the stress to keep this creation going. Finding the bravery to get photos with Danhausen and Solo Darling among others.

When I entered the brewery on those Bizarro Lucha show days, I was able to take my grief off and set it aside, like putting a coat on a coat rack, and immerse myself in the love, joy, anger, excitement and passion of being with my people, watching a spectacle. I knew when the show was over and it was time after lingering to talk with friends I would put that coat back on as I headed home - but somehow, grief weighed lighter on me afterward and even in the days that followed. Many times after a show I would be buoyed by the positive energy through the week that followed.


It was priceless. It was something that helped me more than words can express. Bizarro Lucha became my home when my own house stopped feeling like home. Even during the hiatus right now, I look forward to the come back in February and I keep that glow of home in my heart. I hang on to every match announcement, yes, but more than that, I look forward to being with my people.


The saying goes, "Home is where the heart is." If so, my heart resides in the Indiana City Brewing Company in Indianapolis, where a Dino rides his skateboard; an Imaginary Friend steals from his opponents; a Kat, a Dog and a Wolf form their own pack; a Soul-less man fights without fear; a sinister Doctor seeks to use his Creations to take over the Luchaverse; and two simple kinda Men of the People along with an Awfully Scary shadow managed to topple a Showstopping Ringmaster, a Businessman, a Ring Wizard and a Human Resource.


My home is in the Luchaverse. And I am forever thankful to Tripp Cassidy and Shotzi Blackheart for creating it.

Fandom Lost and Regained

I had been ruminating on how to start this post. Finally, I decided to start with clearing up something that happened in June. A rumor spread that I was responsible for Brad Stutts being made to leave the NOVA Pro Commonwealth Cup show on Friday night. Here now are screenshots with the promoter, Mike King, that show exactly what I said.

I heard from various places that I had "forced" Mike to make Brad leave the show. I saw where I was accused of being a "raging lunatic". I was told by one person that I should stop going to shows because it seemed I was determined to find and point out the negatives instead of the positives. I made that weekend difficult for some folks as well as for myself.

My point by starting out with this is not to put Mike on blast, nor Brad, nor anyone else. Just myself. Since that weekend, I have taken a good, long, hard look at myself and my relationship with wrestling and the community overall. I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like the fact that, when I attended a show and some controversy erupted, I was immediately blamed as I was in this case. Most of the times in the past, there may or may not have been some validity to the blame. Not in this case, however. I was accused due to my reputation. I'm showing these screenshots for two reasons. One, to show that despite what anyone may think, I in no way, shape or form demanded that Brad leave the show nor did I throw a fit or act inappropriately in these messages.

The second reason is quite simply that I don't like my reputation. I don't like the fact that I may be seen as a negative if I go to a show. I don't like the fact that anyone may be apprehensive if I go to a promotion. Mostly, I don't like the negativity that I have been putting out either consciously or unconsciously. Because I didn't used to be like that.

I got into independent wrestling in 2009-2010, mostly SHIMMER and Ring of Honor. It wasn't until 2012 that I started branching out, attending my first CHIKARA, AIW and Insanity Pro shows. I liked it. I liked the driving, the new atmospheres, the new talent I was discovering (they may not have been "new" in the real sense but since I hadn't seen them before they were new to me). However, it wasn't until 2013 that my love of independent wrestling truly bloomed. A lot of this is due to the fact that I dove in as a way of dealing with the death of my wonderful mother. My Dad realized I needed an escape, I needed a way to cope with her death and he gave me the freedom to start road tripping to new promotions, new places - and I loved it. I fell in love with new promotions, new wrestlers, new friends that I made. I drove all over Indiana, into Illinois, down to Nashville and up to Ohio. Friends that I had known prior to 2013 were there for me as were friends that I made during that year. I attended promotions with reputations, shows with controversial people on it - if there was a name on there that I wanted to see, I went.

2013 could have been one of the worst years of my life. Instead, it turned into a milestone because of how much I grew and how much my circle expanded. I give the credit to wrestling and the people that I met during that year as well as the next. It feels now like every weekend I was gone somewhere although I know that isn't the case. I was busy, though, and I was happy.

I don't altogether know when that changed. It might have changed when I started reading more and more about the problematic aspects of wrestling. It might have changed when I saw news stories about the folks accused of crimes and misdemeanors seemingly get away with what they were have said to do. It might have changed when I started to focus too much on who the wrestlers were as people instead of as performers. It might have changed when I started to comment on rumors and take unproven facts as gospel. It might have changed when I started paying too much attention to the bad apple fans instead of the good ones.

I cannot tell you when things shifted. But they did. I realized as time passed that I was being talked about, that I was seen as someone who brought her own baggage to shows I attended. I professed not to care. "If people think they know me just by my social media then they don't know me at all," was something along the lines of what I thought.

In hindsight, I see how stupid that is. My social media is a reflection of myself. If I constantly put out negativity, then I am seen as a negative person even if I claim not to be. Garbage in, garbage out.

The NOVA incident made me take a long look at myself and made me realize that I had lost the person I was in 2013. Granted, I can't put some genies back in their bottles...but I can change my outlook. I can change what I put out on social media. I can see the positives in wrestling and focus on them, give them my attention and support and recapture that love I lost. It never truly left, but I have given enough time and attention to the negative.

I am tired of drama. I am tired of immediately jumping on bandwagons when something bad comes out about Person A or Person B instead of hearing both sides and coming to a private conclusion. I am tired of giving my time and attention to controversy when it erupts. I am tired of, when controversy does happen at a show I am at, having the finger pointed at me automatically.

What does this mean in concrete terms for me going forward? It means a few things.

It means I no longer care about who has said what about Person A or Person B. It means I no longer care about what baggage Person A or Person B has. It means that if I want to attend a show that has a "problematic" person on it, I will pay my money, see the show and support the promotion and the people I went to see. If I choose not to attend a show because of one reason or another, I will not go on social media to trumpet how Such and Such Promotion won't get my money because of (insert reason). "Tweeting doesn't change the world" as an acquaintance, ironically enough, tweeted. It also means that I will not abandon my fandom of a wrestler or promotion due to rumors either.

This also means that when I do go to shows, I will focus on the positive. I will use social media to promote what and who I like. I will stay off my phone more and focus on the matches, promos, etc. I told a friend a few days ago this:

"I just want to get back to where I was before. I lost that these past few years. Became jaded and quick to join in on stupid shit and drama. I'm done with that. Give me a good show, give me people to hang with, maybe a dinner after wards with friends, and that's it. That's what I want."

The friend was encouraging, responding with, "Talking about letting go, wanting to be a fan, enjoying yourself and being positive - this is the PV I met years ago. This was the strong woman who stood her ground but kept an open ear and would use educated dialogue to express positive change in a negative sport."

Some folks may be disappointed, thinking I am giving up speaking out about the bad things that are in wrestling. To some extent, I am because this is something I am doing for myself. If I want to receive positivity, I must put it out into the Universe. However, this doesn't mean I am going to excuse the racism, sexism and homophobia willynilly. But, given the fact that I still subscribe to the WWE Network, I realize I am a hypocrite to some extent. We must all come to terms with what we are willing to overlook or put up with to remain a wrestling fan. No promotion or company is perfect.

In the end, wrestling is a fandom that I've been part of since 1999 when I discovered WWF and WCW, followed by ECW and WOW. With the advent of social media I have become a more connected part of said fandom by being able to interact with other fans and wrestlers alike. Some wrestlers I have been fortunate enough to become friends with and I have gained some insight as to what the life of an independent wrestler can be. I admire so many of them and, admittedly, live vicariously through their own adventures. I choose to remain in the fandom to support the folks that deserve success. I choose to remain in the fandom to celebrate it with other fans who are as passionate as I am (and even more so sometimes). To give a recent example, at the last SUP Wrestling show, I hung out with D, Heather, Jordan and the great time I had was amplified by being with them, partaking of their energy and enthusiasm and giving out my own. The wonderful energy and positivity I felt powered me through the rest of the week until I went to my first Pro Wrestling Freedom show in a few years, where I enjoyed myself immensely despite not sitting with anyone yet still seeing friends in between matches and after the show. The energy and passion from those shows were the uplift I needed and led me to realize my decision is the right one for me.

Most of all, I choose to remain a wrestling fan because ultimately it has saved and helped my life in more ways than anyone could ever know. Now, I want to turn myself and my outlook around. I do not want to be known as the "Negative Fan" or the "Problematic Person" anymore.

I just want to be a fan.

Wrestling Fans and Rookies

Do wrestling fans today expect too much out of rookies? Do we demand instant improvement in their skills and dismiss them out of hand without giving them enough time to grow and develop? Some, including myself, would say yes. In this day and age, where we can have instant anything, if a newcomer isn't progressing as quickly as we would like, there is a tendency to write them off without a second glance. Along similar lines, if a rookie has a lot of "buzz" around them, and they fail to live up to our expectations, we are likely to ignore them even if they do start to come into their own. Wrestling fans can be brutally harsh, and yes I am including myself in this statement. I can be as harsh as the next person, but I try to give those starting out in the sport a fair chance to reach their potential. (Obviously, this doesn't apply to those who have been wrestling for, say, over seven years and are still at the same level they have been for awhile now.)

Mia Yim (Credit to Bliz Photography)

Mia Yim had a lot of backlash in her rookie years, due to some people in the business hyping her. I can remember several times on message boards fans saying they didn't "get her" and thought she was being talked up too much. Yet, some of those same people are now some of her biggest supporters. Mia traveled across America and to Japan, she took full advantage of the opportunities she was given, and as a result she has grown into a tremendous athlete with still a lot of potential to improve even more. Veda Scott is in the same boat - her first match was against trainer Daizee Haze on May 15th, 2011. She was another who had a lot of hype around her, which led to many fans dismissing her out of hand. Since that first match, she has gone on to wrestle in SHIMMER, SHINE, WSU, ACW; when Angelus Layne had a knee injury, she was invited to debut in Canada at Femmes Fatales IX in 2012. Also in 2012 she had a short stint in Japan where she gained invaluable experience; and in AIW she rounded out the year by winning the tag team championships alongside her legal client Gregory Iron. All this, and Veda is still learning, still technically a rookie. Her hard work and dedication to wrestling has won over fans and promoters alike. Yet, there are still people out there who refuse to give her a second chance.

I can understand that not every wrestler will appeal to every fan. We all have our likes and dislikes, it's part of being a fan. However, it is a bit unfair to simply ignore someone who is just starting out and not give them a proper chance. Similarly, it is also unfair to brutally bury someone in public for having a bad match, especially when bad matches can happen to rookies and veterans alike. One specific case about a week ago caught my eye, when Absolute Intense Wrestling asked a question on Twitter: "What was the WORST match in AIW history?" A few fans answered with a match from Girls Night Out 7, Trash Cassidy versus Thunderkitty. Some went on to have a dig at Trash, specifically.

From Girls Night Out 7. Credit: Myself

I spoke up to defend both women and the match itself. I had been at GNO 7 and witnessed the match for myself. Here is what I wrote:

Thunderkitty took on Trash Cassidy in TK's debut match. This was only Trash's second appearance for AIW, and given that I was unfamiliar with both, I went into this one completely blind. Thunderkitty's gimmick is that she is an "old time" wrestler and she is playing it to the hilt. The one piece outfit, her language, her personal ring announcer, coming out to no music - it all works brilliantly and makes her stand out. Trash...I'm still not too clear on her gimmick, other than she wears a lot of different colouring clothing to go along with her multi-coloured hair. Although she did throw out a great line: "I didn't know I was wrestling Mildred Burke!" The match was decent, but Trash got a "please don't come back" chant afterwards. Ouch.

I've seen bad matches before, and although no one (including the participants) would mistake it for a five star match, it wasn't absolute rubbish in my opinon. There was a fun spot where they criss-crossed in the ropes, and the aforementioned line that Trash yelled had me laughing. I've seen far, far worse that's made it onto television after all. Of course, I didn't know anything about TK or TC going into the event, but after the fact I learned that Thunderkitty has been wrestling since 2008 (from the sparse information I found online) and recently moved out east, presumably to have more opportunities to wrestle. Meanwhile I couldn't find much of anything about Trash - however, I had recently begun to chat with her via Twitter. After meeting her at a Destination 1 Wrestling show, we became friends (I am telling this in the interests of full disclosure).

Not long after AIW posed the aforementioned question, I asked her how long she had been wrestling. Trash responded, "About a year and a half if you account for time out with injuries and just not wrestling too much. Two years if you do include managing." When I asked her about the aforementioned match, she said that she had been sick with a high fever that day and still made it to the show to wrestle.

At this point, I was shaking my head. Here was a woman that, by all rights, should have been in bed and only had a year and a half experience, being pilloried thanks to not just this match, but a previous one against Mary Dobson at AIW. These two matches were, conceivably, her highest profile to date. Dobson is also a rookie, so you're not likely to have the best match between two rookies. However, Thunderkitty had more experience, so technically she should have led the match. Again, though, when you're sick it throws your body off, so I could see how things would have been off again that night.

A few days later, after the conversation, I and another tweeter received a message from Thunderkitty. She asked if we had seen her other work. To which, I replied that yes I had (at Insanity Pro Wrestling and SPARKLE). Thunderkitty then tweeted to us, "I got put against a lazy, clumsy opponent..I didn't exactly get a fair shake...but it happens." This took me by surprise. It was rather harsh to me. I said that from what I understood, Trash was seriously under the weather that night so it was just an off night. TK replied, "I don't recall her being under the weather. I DO recall her not being in ring shape though."

Wow. My further responses to her, stating that Trash hadn't been wrestling for very long and some wrestlers don't mix in the ring went unreplied to by her. She also tweeted the Ringbelles twitter, Thomas Holzerman's twitter and the AIW account that "someday, somewhere, I'm going to give people my exact thoughts on this match." Now, I fully admit that being friends with Trash makes me biased. However, even if I was not friends with her, I would never expect someone with as little time as she has in the ring to be good. Especially since she had been injured recently (or, I assumed as much since she mentioned being injured). Plus, being sick takes you off your game and that goes for athletes and non-athletes.

Personally, I felt it was unprofessional of Thunderkitty to publicly tear down someone with considerably less experience than herself. Even more-so after I went searching for information on her and found this blog that she wrote back in 2010 about how women in wrestling needed to get along since there were so few opportunities for them. http://www.santinobros.net/newsdesk_info.php?newsdesk_id=869 To her credit, Trash hasn't addressed any of the comments publicly, choosing discretion as the better part of valor in this case. The fact that TK said this publicly is a side point, but it's another example of private matters in wrestling being discussed publicly for fans to see. It's an unpleasant trend to say the least.

Back on point though, it's really saddening to see how quickly wrestling fans are to condemn inexperienced wrestlers. Above, I mentioned how people who dismissed Mia and Veda are now fans - this isn't a bad thing. It's great that they allowed themselves to be won over by their growth and improvement. At the same time, however, how are people going to improve if they aren't allowed opportunities to work with veterans and gain experience? I fear that due to the backlash she has suffered, Trash may not be offered the chance to work with other promotions and learn from their workers. Her, and others like her, are the next generation of potential stars. Wrestling fans often complain about the tendency of promotions to rely on past stars instead of cultivating new ones. How can new flowers grow and bloom without being watered and carefully nurtured?

There is also the fact that not everyone is a natural athlete. Some have to work hard to develop their skills. If you're thinking that these people should just give up, I have one name that should make you think twice. The Queen of Wrestling, Sara Del Rey, has said many times in interviews that wrestling did not come naturally to her. She had to work and work hard at it. Given that she became one of the world's best, should she have just given up since she didn't take to wrestling naturally?

Prime example of giving a newcomer the chance to amaze you.

If we fans don't start being less harsh and unforgiving, then we shouldn't be surprised when we don't see new faces coming in. Once the veterans retire, then that's it. Game over. Is that what we want? Of course not. We love wrestling and don't want to see it die out. Therefore, we must be more lenient when it comes to the newcomers. After all, speaking personally, if I had dimissed Leva Bates after her match against Malia Hosaka at SHIMMER, I wouldn't have had the privilege to see her grow as a wrestler and as a performer. You never know who will become truly great, therefore it's worth giving rookies the chances necessary to grow and fulfill their potential. I may have used Trash Cassidy as the main example for this blog, but that goes for any man or woman who takes the awesome and terrifying decision to step into the ring and dedicate their bodies as well as their lives to professional wrestling. Those people that make this decision and take it seriously deserve a certain amount of respect as it is.

It's akin to a garden. Plant the seeds, water them, nourish them, and see what grows. The results may surprise you. 

15 Years of Super Hardcore Anime: Celebrating LuFisto

June 23rd, 2012 marked a milestone in this lady's life. It marked 15 years that the Super Hardcore Anime Lufisto had been wrestling. In the years between 1997 and 2012, she has had the highest highs and the lowest lows. She has suffered rejection and triumph in her career and personal life and not even serious health problems have been able to keep this lady down for long. Her look has changed over the years as well, but she has retained her pride, her passion and determination.

2008 was the year I "discovered" independent wrestling but it wasn't until a year or so later that I learned about Lufisto. I'll be honest, since my memory isn't up to snuff, I cannot remember if the first match I watched her in was on SHIMMER Women Athletes Volume 7 or if it came before in another match. Nonetheless, she immediately stood out because of her outfits - being a Sailor Moon fan, I recognized the SM school girl outfit she wore once. But she won me over with her skill and hard hitting style in the ring. I do remember quite clearly being highly impressed with her match on Volume 7 against Mercedes Martinez. I was familiar with Mercedes enough to know how good she was, but Lufisto brought it to her. The standing ovation by the fans afterwards was definitely deserved. Despite not appearing for several volumes after that, Lufi has become a permanent part of SHIMMER much to my pleasure.

As I did some research, I discovered her history in hardcore matches. Her versus the Necro Butcher was one of the most brutal matches I'd ever seen and it amazed me that a woman could be so vicious and tough. This was only confirmed when I later got my hands on the IWA: MS Pride and Passion DVD sets and saw her compete in the Queen of the Deathmatch tournament from 2007. The final between her and Mickie Knuckles was a "No Rope Barbed Wire Electrified Light Bulb and Light Tube Death Match" - definitely NOT for the faint of heart! My jaw was on the floor for most of the match.

However, it was this podcast done by Ringbelles in June of 2010 that really made me a fan. The link to it is here and I highly recommend giving it a listen. http://ringbellesonline.com/2010/06/03/wow-podcast-9-with-lufisto/  The fact that she took on and got an actual law overturned in Ontario in 2002 (with the help of the Ontario Human Rights Commission) is amazing and says quite a lot about this fiery woman. She mostly wrestled men at this point, and there was a regulation in Ontario that banned inter-gender wrestling. This effectively barred Lufisto from wrestling there. She lodged a complaint with the OHRC and the regulation was dropped, along with others that were stifling independent wrestling in the region.

Listening to her speak about the stroke that she suffered in April of 2010 (after a match she had in NCW) left me devastated. I wondered if she would ever wrestle again. Reading her words in the HONOUR Magazine about her year (which you can still read here: http://www.captured-beauty.com/honourmagazine/issue5.pdf) you just can't help but feel for the woman. She did return to wrestling but it wasn't until SHIMMER in March of 2011 that I got to see her live for the first time. She did not disappoint. I've written here and here about seeing her in 2011: http://ringbellesonline.com/2011/04/19/the-pocket-volcano-erupts-all-that-shimmers-is-gold/

http://ringbellesonline.com/2011/12/22/pocket-volcano-tis-the-season-to-reflect/

She also had health and other problems in 2011 (which Ringbelles covered here: http://ringbellesonline.com/2011/07/14/lufistos-having-heart-surgery-today/ & http://ringbellesonline.com/2011/07/20/ringbelles-retro-lufisto-is-all-heart/) and it was at a low point that she wrote a very personal letter to wrestling, expressing doubts and misgivings about her past and future. She gave Ringbelles permission to post the letter here: http://ringbellesonline.com/2011/11/05/lufisto-discusses-her-relationship-with-wrestling/

As a fan it was heart breaking to read this. But I made a vow - whether Lufisto decided to retire or to continue on, I would support her decisions. I've seen fans get upset when their favorites do something that they personally disagree with, and I find that selfish. People seem to forget that wrestlers are real human beings who have wants, needs and desires of their own. They have a right to happiness for themselves, and if retiring was Lufisto's best choice, I wanted to support that.

However, she wound up taking a four month break to try and heal her on-going back injury and returned to wrestling in February, where she won the Lucha POP title in Mexico. Plus, her work (as well as the work of other Canadian female wrestlers) in 2011 was recognized as her and Femmes Fatales racked up a slew of awards. What makes this remarkable is that the awards weren't segregated into male and female catagories, but instead they were grouped together. http://ringbellesonline.com/2012/02/01/ontario-quebec-dish-out-their-2011-awards/ This must have been highly satisfying for Lufisto, who has worked hard to build Femmes Fatales into a serious promotion for female athletes.

So far, 2012 has been a good year for Lufi. In addition to winning the Lucha POP title, she returned to SHIMMER in March with a new tag team partner - as a consequence of her match against Kana in October 2011, and Lufisto's hand being the only one she shook, the two formed a new tag team. Their match against the Oncoming Hatred (Kalamity and Hailey Hatred) was the match of the SHIMMER weekend for me. Lufi seemed to help Kana shed some of her ultra-seriousness and they worked so well together. Also it was announced that Women Superstars Uncensored would be partnering with Femmes Fatales in a talent exchange. WSU's iPPV featured the debuts of Lufisto, Kalamity and Sweet Cherrie, thereby exposing Lufisto to another fan base that may not have heard of her before. Her match against Leva Bates was the match of the show as they brought out the best in each other, Lufi helping to elevate Leva to another level. And it must have been with a sense of pride that Kalamity defended the NCW FF International title against Sweet Cherrie, as both are her pupils. Overall the three got rave reviews. Lufisto also got the opportunity to face someone that she admires - at Femmes Fatales in March, she wrestled against former WWE wrestler Jazz in a bout that wound up being a No Disqualification match. The Dream Match was one of the best on the card and the two shook hands afterwards in a huge show of respect.

Fifteen years is a long time in any career, but moreso in wrestling considering how much your body goes through. In those years, Lufisto has accomplished quite a bit. A glance at her website shows just how much:

Championships
Lucha Pop Femmes Campeona
NCW Femmes Fatales International Champion
ALF Champion
ICW Olympic Champion
CZW Iron-Man Champion
SAW World Champion
LLF Extreme Champion
ICW Tag Team Champion (2X)
ASW Canadian Champion
ICW Provincial Champion (2X)
UWA Cruiserweight Champion

Acheivements
Quebec Best Female Wrestler from 1997 to 2011
Quebec Feud of the Year 2011 (with Kalamity)
Women of Wrestling Podcast Woman of the Year 2010
Quebec Match if the Year 2009 (Vs Cheerleader Melissa at NCW-FF)
Shimmer Match if the Year 2008 (Vs Cheerleader Melissa)
Quebec Match if the Year 2008 (Vs Awesome Kong at ALF)
CZW Best of the Best People's Choice 2008
IWA Mis-South Queen of the Death Matches 2007
ALF Sherri Martel Memorial Cup Winner 2007
ALF Quebec Female Wrestling Hall of Famer
Stranglehold Wrestling King of the Death Matches Champion
EOW Super 8 Women Winner 

That's a list that anyone can be proud of.

I once saw someone refer to Lufisto as a woman who "plays with dolls." Now, I realise that people have a perfect right to like or dislike anyone they choose. However, to dismiss this woman as just that and nothing else does her a disservice. It's a blatant show of disrespect in my view. In the fifteen years that she has been wrestling, Lufi has sacrificed a lot. Blood, sweat, tears, her health, even parts of her life. She is a pioneer, wrestling men, wrestling the hardcore style, traveling all over the world to wrestle and train, giving of her time and experience to others who want to learn from her. Again and again she has sacrificed to entertain us fans. Even in the darkest hours where she doubted everything, including herself, she choose to return to the ring. She has not given up or given in. When there was a barrier, she smashed it. When someone said, "You can't," she said, "Watch me." When she was brought into SHIMMER, I heard there were doubts by fans at the time who dismissed her as nothing more than a deathmatch wrestler. She proved them wrong and has earned standing ovations for her matches.

Ronald Reagan said in his 1981 inaugural address, "Those who say that we're in a time when there are no heroes, they just don't know where to look." Wrestling is one area where I look for heroes and heroines, and this has often confused people. They look at all the negativity in the business - steroids, sexism, racism, homophobia - and they ask me, "How can you look up to anyone in wrestling?" I reply there there are diamonds in the rough. I have a few people I look up to, admire and greatly respect in wrestling. Lufisto is one of them. How can I not? She is everything I would wish to be as a woman - intelligent, determined, fearless, principled, passionate and dedicated. She has a lovely sense of humour and lives life on her own terms, bold and daring.

When I see her in the ring, I see wrestling as what I believe it is - a work of art. I've always believed that wrestling is a lot like ballet - a story is told in the dance. When I watch Lufisto, I watch "Swan Lake" or "The Nutcracker" - high art performed by one of the best in the business, male or female. Time has only made her performances more flawless. And it has been my privilege to become acquainted with her on a personal level. In wrestling, I prefer to be a fan of people I know are genuinely good people and to find out that Lufi is just that made me admire and respect her even more. Plus, she has helped me overcome a narrow view that I held ever since I got into wrestling: the idea that women in wrestling posing nude or semi-nude hurts them and/or female wrestling overall.

To be fair, my experience with mixing posing naked and women in wrestling came from WWE and Playboy. When I found out that Mickie James had naked photos, my esteem for her went down quite a bit. I believed that if a woman chose to pose nude or semi-nude it made them look trashy and gave more credence to critics who didn't take female wrestling seriously. And finding out women like Annie Social had actually wrestled naked soured me on those types even more.

So consider my shock when I found out Lufisto had posed nude. I found this out only a month or two ago actually and it surprised me to no end. I have no idea when they were taken, but they were tastefully done, not trashy or anything like that. They were actually artistic photos and she looked so utterly calm, even happy and self assured. I threw the question out on social media, asking if folks thought that posing nude hurt female wrestling and wrestlers themselves. All the replies came back negatively - it doesn't hurt anything (although some said it depended on if said pictures were done tastefully or trashy). And after doing some serious thinking, I realised that I was wrong.

Lufisto is one of the best wrestlers in the world. Choosing to do something that she feels comfortable enough with herself to do doesn't make her less of a wrestler - in fact, it shows that wrestling encapsulates a variety of women of varying looks. The fact is, you can be sexy and wrestle at a top level. And if a woman wants to show off her body, if she has enough confidence in herself to do so, then that's a positive. Wrestling isn't for everyone, and if you have low self esteem or a weak view of yourself, then it can tear you to shreds. Lufisto has enough confidence in herself to do something like this and to share it with the world (assuming this is the case...if it's a case of leaked pictures that she didn't actually *want* shared, then I'll take this down immediately) - that's powerful. Women owning their sexuality is a powerful thing, and should be celebrated since for hundreds of years we have been made to feel that our bodies are shameful things and sexuality is something to be kept under control and even denied.

Me and My Heroine

I still think there's a difference between posing that is done tastefully and posing that is done less-than-tastefully, but for all intents and purposes I no longer pass judgment on women who choose to do something that makes them happy or they feel confident enough to do. Lufi helped change that. So did finding out that Manami Toyota and Ayako Hamada had done the same - no one can doubt the abilities of these three women.

Geneviève Goulet is an amazing woman. I fully believe she will be remembered as a legend in wrestling, if she isn't already. She has made a mark on this business that will last for years and years to come. Come what may, she will always have my support, my appreciation and my love. In addition to all that I have written, she set an example of what strength is. I was going through a hard time during the first months of 2012 and at times I was intensely depressed. Lufi offered advice, and when I would feel at my lowest I looked at what all she had gone through in her personal and professional life. I thought to myself, "She has gone through so much more than me, and she made it to the other side. I can too." As a result of keeping her example in mind and following her advice (along with other people's), I finally turned the corner. I would still be in a very dark spot if not for her example as well as others. As a friend and as a fan, I say with all my heart...thank you. For everything you've done and everything you will do. Thank you. <3