“But grief still has to be worked through. It is like walking through water. Sometimes there are little waves lapping about my feet. Sometimes there is an enormous breaker that knocks me down. Sometimes there is a sudden and fierce squall. But I know that many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.” - Madeleine L’Engle, “Two-Part Intervention: The Story of a Marriage”
This post was going to be about my first time going to an AEW show. Some of it will be. I was so happy and grateful to be able to attend the AEW Dynamite that took place in Indianapolis, Indiana on September 23rd. Even more so when Tony Khan announced it would be a three hour special Dynamite followed by Collision as the go-home show before their next PPV, “All Out.” My friend Tom Green snagged me an extra ticket and I went with him and his son Nolie.
The show itself was amazing. Before it started, there was an official Code of Conduct that was on the screen and went over the loudspeaker. It made it clear there would be no tolerance for hateful signs that crossed a line, nor would harassment of wrestlers or other fans be allowed. I was amazed at this. Girl Fight Wrestling has a similar Code of Conduct that they announce before their shows begin but I could count on one finger the number of other shows that have had this. And here was this nationally televised wrestling company with one of their own. I was impressed.
The show top to bottom was one of the best I’ve ever attended. Every match was fantastic, I got every item on my personal wish list crossed off, and before the show as we made our way to our seats, we went by the area they were broadcasting interviews on TikTok live. I was steps away from Kofi and Austin Creed, and Nolie got a photo with Luchasaurus who was so nice. The seats were perfect, not flat on the floor but elevated enough to see and still close enough for good pictures.
Through a happy accident, I got to tag along as Nolie got to meet Tony Khan himself and I was so unprepared for how genuinely nice and down to earth this billionaire was. I won’t disclose the details of their conversation as that belongs to Nolie alone, but just watching the interaction warmed my heart. We were backstage and all around us the team of professionals were dismantling the stage, packing up as it was after 11pm - and here was the owner of the company giving his sole focus to a teenage boy. Asking questions, engaging him like he was the only important person in the arena. It was genuinely so lovely. And it must have been a 20-25 minute conversation. Tony asked him towards the end if he wanted a picture and Nolie said sure. Then, Nolie looked at me and said, “Do you want to get in this?” You could have knocked me over with a feather. Tony looked at me and nodded and I was like, absolutely! So in addition to a picture with just the two of them, I have a picture of the three of us together. Things were winding down at that point, and, in my life, I have often regretted not speaking up at moments I will never be able to capture again. Sometimes it’s social anxiety and sometimes it’s not realizing the moment is there until it’s too late.
I have been determined to have less regrets in my life so as Tony hugged Nolie and shook Tom’s hand, he shook mine and I said, “Sir I may never have this opportunity again so I would like to tell you something.” He then gave me the same focus he had given Nolie. I cannot tell you the exact words I used because I was trying to be articulate and calm, but I told him that I was very grateful for the fact he, from the beginning, treated the women who wrestle for him as equals to the men and had given them the same respect. I’m someone who needs to rehearse or practice what I’m going to say when I get the opportunity to meet famous people, and I had had no opportunity for that here. So I stuttered and stammered a bit and then I kinda choked up. I thought for a moment, “Oh my god Jen don’t fucking cry in front of this man” - then Tony Khan said, “Oh don’t cry!” and he pulled me in for a hug.
I REALLY struggled to hold it together then because - honestly, could you ever imagine Vince McMahon doing something like that? I couldn’t/can’t. Yet here was this billion-dollar owner of a wrestling company was offering me something as human as a hug because I was emotional. He let go and I thanked him again for giving women the same platform as the men right off the bat (I was thinking of all the moments the women in WWE had had to go through), and for reinvigorating my love of wrestling. There was a lot more I wanted to say but he had already given enough of his time and I didn’t want to take more of it. Plus, I had a two hour drive home. He thanked us all for coming and then we were out of there.
One of the matches that was announced for Collision was Ace Austin vs PAC. I remembered seeing Ace when he wrestled for IWA Mid South in the Flea Market in Memphis, Indiana so it was wild seeing him in an arena full of fans. But I lost my mind when it was announced he was wrestling PAC. Because PAC was someone I discovered when I started getting into independent wrestling in 2010-2011. His style instantly captivated me and I was so happy when he got signed to WWE. There’s a case to be made that he was one of the people who helped build NXT into what it became under the Black and Gold era. His body control was insane. What he could do was breathtaking. I had never seen anyone do what he could do and I followed his journey through NXT to the main roster, his match against Seth Rollins and then into 205 Live and on to become the King of the Cruiserweights. It was frustrating seeing him sidelined but understandably so, and I respected the fact he chose to sit out his contract until he was free to do what he wanted with his career. (At least, that’s what I’ve read and been led to believe. I could be wrong on the details, but in the end it’s a moot point.)
When he joined AEW I was ecstatic. I couldn’t help but think that he was going to help the company grow into the competition that was sorely needed on television - and I was correct. Everything he did from showing up in full gear to interrupt Adam Page to kickstart their rivalry at the start of the company to forming the Death Triangle with Fénix and Penta and winning the World Trios Championships to becoming the inaugural All Atlantic Champion to joining the Blackpool Combat Club (now the Death Riders) helped cement the company as a place where wrestling was the attraction. PAC gave everything in every single word he spoke, video he shot, match he wrestled. He was truly “a professional who gave a shit.”
I got to see that for the first time in person at AEW Collision in Indianapolis. I took so many photos. I took several of the Black Arrow as he hit it perfectly. It was beautiful. Watching him was like watching poetry in motion. My heart was full when I left that arena full of memories and pictures on my phone. I was grateful to have finally seen one of my favorites wrestle in person without a television screen.
Then, four days later, on September 27th, less than 24 hours after he had a spectacular match against Andrade El Idolo at All Out, PAC - aka Benjamin Satterley - was found dead in his car. The news broke on twitter but I didn’t have it pulled up at the time. I was watching tv when a friend in one of my group chats said “Everyone sit down where you are. PAC has passed.” And included the tweet from the official AEW Twitter.
I broke down. I screamed. I sobbed. I absolutely lost it.
Because how in the entire fuck does a seemingly healthy man who was at the top of his game every time he stepped in the ring, and just had one of the best matches of the night around 12 hours earlier, just…die? How? Why?
This felt different from Brodie Lee (who passed in 2020) and Bray Wyatt (who passed in 2023). Both men, one under AEW contract, the other under WWE contract, passed away still employed with their respective companies but the difference was that neither had been on television for a bit (Brodie had his last match televised on October 7th, 2020 and passed on December 26th; Bray’s last appearance on WWE tv was in mid-February 2023 and he passed in October of the same year). Brodie’s was more sudden given the lack of news but it didn’t quite hit like PAC’s did.
When I thought about it recently before sitting down to write this, I realized the last time I had had such a visceral reaction to a wrestler dying was in September of 2021 when I got a DM on Twitter letting me know that my friend and one of my long time heroines had passed.
Shannon Spruill, aka the “Scream Queen” Daffney, was someone that I gravitated to in 1999 when I discovered her on WCW television. I cannot remember when but it was after I had started watching wrestling in March 1999, first WWF and then WCW. The latter didn’t interest me as much but it had my attention whenever this hyperactive, crazy goth chick was on screen. I discovered her name was Daffney and I adored her from the moment I saw her. Sporting an “I <3 David” shirt and multicolored wigs, she was adorably off her rocker but she was also fearless. Before there was Lita, there was Daffney, who didn’t hesitate to get in and do moves on the guys. When WCW went out of business, I lost track of her until she popped back up in TNA first as a plant in the crowd for Awesome Kong, then as “The Governor” (a parody of then-Alaskan governor Sarah Palin) and finally as the Scream Queen, Daffney. What I didn’t know for a few months was that she had been active in independent wrestling at various promotions and finally showing up at SHIMMER Women Athletes in April 2007. She started wrestling there around the same time she showed up in TNA.
September 2010 was the first time I went to a SHIMMER weekend taping. Within the walls of the Eagles Club in Berwyn, Illinois outside of Chicago, the true seeds of the women’s revolution were planted. Daffney was part of it and one of the biggest reasons I wanted to attend a taping was to get to see her in person. I had started writing for Diva Dirt by that point and the then-owner of the website had mentioned to Daffney that “one of her biggest fans” was going to be attending in September. If it wasn’t for my friend Steven, however, I may not have gotten the courage to approach her. (See above about my social anxiety!) He ushered me up to her and her face actually lit up. She said that she had been told about me and I could have passed out. She was incredibly kind that whole weekend, going out of her way to talk to me, take a picture, even shoot a video for Diva Dirt with me in front of my car. During the entrance for one of her matches, as she circled the ring, she saw me and gave me a wink. Later she told me that she had never broken character for anyone - but she made an exception for me.
After that, we became friends and it was a connection I treasured. I got to see her a few times after that since she was forced to retire from in-ring action and moved to other roles in wrestling such as manager and ring announcer. Seventeen year old me could never have imagined one day I would be friends with the woman behind the character. Over the years she was open about her health issues, physical as well as mental, and I know it helped a lot of us who also struggle with our mental health.
Then, too many of us witnessed her final night on Instagram, August 31st 2021. After her IG stream shut down, I sent her a message on Facebook to her personal account begging her to be okay. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one. The next morning, a friend relayed the news in a DM and I literally collapsed on the floor. I screamed and sobbed and hit the floor. I could barely hold it together to call my boss who, bless her, realized I was in no state to log into phones and work and told me to take the day. I did and spent the rest of it in a daze. One of the brightest lights was extinguished and it made no fucking sense to me.
Having lost first my mother completely unexpectedly in 2012 and then my father after an illness which he seemed to be recovering from but then ultimately succumbed to after a month in the hospital in 2018 - death was no stranger to me. However, the reactions to each were different. With my mother, I mourned but also felt I needed to be strong for my dad as much as I could. I also threw myself into wrestling to escape the pain. I wrote, I drove for hours around town when I needed to get out of the house singing songs at the top of my lungs, I went to therapy and vented to friends. With my father, I did the same although I had a boyfriend who lived with me and was there to support me as best he could. I was extremely fortunate in both circumstances (and also when I had lost other family members before losing my parents) to have not been by myself. However, looking back I was also not able to fully express my grief in the rawest sense because of internalized pressure to, for lack of a better term, “keep it together.”
When Daffney died, I no longer was compelled to keep anything in. And so, I screamed. I reached out and hit the floor with my fists. I hit the walls. I sobbed. I threw things. I released everything and even though the pain remained, the coil in my stomach lessened just slightly.
Despite me not knowing him except what I had seen on tv and on social media, I had the same reaction to PAC’s passing but to a lesser degree. I still yelled and sobbed and struck the carpet. Even more, however, that day and in the days and weeks to come, my heart hurt for his family and for his friends. Watching how his friends and coworkers handled their very public loss was cathartic for myself and I’m sure for other fans as well. As I’m currently writing this, a month has passed and in that month, it has been both beautiful and heart breaking to see how those in AEW have dealt with his sudden death. It bears looking at because, maybe about two weeks or so after his passing, I would occasionally see other “fans” saying AEW was “dragging out” his death and “using” his passing for ratings and attention.
I disagree EXTREMELY strongly with this.
PAC was a central figure in the Death Riders and in AEW as a whole. Prominently featured each week, he either wrestled or was with the group on tv or in videos on social media. He had just had a match with Andrade El Idolo the night before he passed. In less than 24 hours, it wasn’t just a wrestler who passed away.
There’s a group chat who now has a number who will never contribute to the thread again.
There’s a coworker who will never sit in the passenger seat going from one town to the next again.
There’s a best friend who will never give a hug again.
There’s a son and a husband who will never tell his parents and wife he loves them again.
Natalie and Benjamin’s parents are able to grieve privately. And I’m sure that Tony would have given any of PAC’s coworkers and friends time off if they had requested it. He’s shown great empathy towards people who have lost loved ones in the past, such as those who were affected when Brodie Lee passed, but also he himself spoke before the Ring of Honor tapings the Monday the day after PAC passed and you could see him struggling to speak. Watching the video of him speaking made me cry. He said that Dynamite would be a tribute to the fallen man and that everyone who participated would be doing so willingly and out of love. He was visibly emotional speaking about PAC.
However, the Death Riders took their grief and chose to make art out of it.
I’ve said time and again that professional wrestling is art. Violent, brutal, beautiful art. Art that can take your breath away, make you cheer until you are hoarse and angry enough to yell. Throughout history there are innumerable examples of art created out of and from grief and loss. Countless paintings, sculptures, books, poems, songs were the products of their creators working through their grief. It’s one of the most human ways to sort through and deal with your emotions. In the aftermath of their loss, the Death Riders took their pain and channeled it into their work. I would say this was especially true of Jon Moxley and Marina Shafir.
Marina has unofficially taken over the role as a second in command (in my view) and it has been very apparent from her words at Warrior Wrestling and afterwards that PAC’s loss hit her hard. The way her and Moxley have handled their grief and their interactions have really stood out. I’m specifically thinking of a video that was posted to AEW’s socials after the October 14th Dynamite where Renee Paquette went backstage to interview Moxley. This was the second loss in two weeks for Mox and it had set him up to defend his Continental Championship again Mark Davis. Renee says “I know that this has been a very difficult couple of weeks but what is going on?”
Moxley moves past her and proceeds to throw his water bottle, throw a steel chair, throw assorted debris before picking up a long steel pipe and beating a plank of wood until the wood splinters. Mox then throws the pipe down and it sounds like his soul is in pain as he lets out a strangled yell. He braces his hands on a low glass table and bends down and lets out another groan, almost a garbled scream as he lowers himself to his knees. Renee goes to him and kneels down to touch his shoulder and asks in a concerned voice, “Jon what is happening? What is going on?” This is an interview question, but more than that, it’s a wife seeking to let her husband know she is here through her touch.
But we know what’s going on. In this moment, it’s not just pain from the aftermath of a hard match he took part in earlier, nor is it pain from the potential threat his next opponent creates. No, it’s the soul of a man who has lost a friend, a brother in arms. Moxley speaks, his voice like gravel, “I’m in a great deal of pain.” Renee asks, “What kind of pain are you in?” Jon responds, “Not sure I can tell the difference anymore.” In this moment, there is no difference. The pain is just that - loss. A profound, deep loss that has unmoored him. Not just the character. The man.
Then, Renee straightens back up, taking a step back as Marina enters the shot. She kneels down in front of Mox, takes his chin in her hand, and says “Eyes up. Lock in. The only way out is through. You understand me?” Mox pauses, and then says simply, “Yeah.” He looks away then looks back at her and says, “Through.” He takes a moment to grab Renee’s leg, another moment of seeing the man behind the character as he takes the time to let his wife know he’s okay, then stands back up and says, “Through” each time he smacks the chest of Yuta, Garcia and Gabe Kidd. He walks out of the shot past the camera and off to the side we see Marina put her arm around Renee as they exit as well. Both women look saddened.
This candid snapshot of the grief that Moxley, Marina, the Death Riders and, to a wider extent, everyone who knew Benjamin Satterley is working through was enough to make me cry. Because it is exactly the grief that anyone who suffers a close loss has to deal with. Mox’s reactions are identical to anyone who has felt that soul shattering grief. We’ve cried, emitted noises that came from our depths, thrown things, hit things. Lest anyone say that’s an unhealthy way of expressing grief, it truly isn’t.
If I have learned anything on my own journey in life, it is that there is no wrong way to express, show or get your grief out unless it actively hurts yourself or another person. Emotions need to be let OUT, not kept IN. Keeping everything bottled up inside is unhealthy. Ignoring and letting it fester inside does more long term damage than letting it out. Only through expression can we work through it.
Marina was and is correct. “The only way out is through.” The only way you can properly deal with grief is working through it. And that is what we have seen on our television with Moxley and the Death Riders. Marina is acting as the guiding voice that tells us what we need to do to come to terms with forging a life that now has a gaping hole in it.
In the following weeks, whenever the Death Riders have had a match, starting after the tribute show on Dynamite that aired on September 30th, they have found a subtle yet moving way to honor and remember their fallen friend. The chair that PAC would sit in when his music hit and the shot came up framing him in the entry way of whichever arena they were in that night has been incorporated into their entrances. As has the plain white towel he would have draped over his neck, although the towel draped over the chair now is one that is embroidered simply with “Benjamin ‘PAC’ Satterley”. If you watch for it, both items can be seen somewhere in the hallway the Death Rider(s) come down, usually near or underneath their signature Owl logo.
At WrestleDream on October 17th, Jon Moxley’s emotions came to a head as he wrestled Mark Davis for his Continental Championship. Davis was arguably his largest and most challenging opponent to date given his size and strength advantage. And there was a moment when Mox rolled to the outside that he looked ready to give up. He sat against the barricade to catch his breath. That’s when Marina and Daniel Garcia made their way in front of fans and yelled encouragement to him, shouting for him to get up and get back in there. He did so - and when he managed to get the win, he rolled out of the ring and that’s when the pure emotion poured out of him. The other Death Riders encircled him to give him support. You could see the pain and the loss and the sadness but also the determination on his face. He broke down and I would swear that he cried. I can’t say for certain but I think he did. It was a release.
This was a public show of catharsis. I genuinely hope it helped Moxley and everyone else who was able to use wrestling as a means of release to find some peace and relief. They deserve that. We do too.
Elsewhere, in promotions that PAC wrestled for, tributes poured in from DragonGate to RevPro to WWE. Friends in other companies posted their own videos paying respects to their loved ones. Kevin Owens set up a camera for anyone at WWE to speak about him, something that the Lucha Brothers (his former tag partners in AEW), Finn Balor, Sami Zayn and Kevin himself took advantage of. DragonGate held a ten bell salute with a photo of him in the ring. RevPro paid tribute at a show to one of the men that opened the door for so many other British wrestlers. Mustafa Ali wrote his own tribute to PAC on his socials and at Bound for Glory did the King of the Cruiserweight’s signature gesture after entering the ring. The outpouring of love for PAC was moving and beautiful.
AEW released on YouTube an extended video with more tributes and words from his friends who sat down backstage to speak. It is a hard but beautiful watch. Listening and watching Bryan Danielson, the Young Bucks, Roderick Strong, Ciampa (his words especially on, as time passes, losing the feeling of how it felt to hug Ben and hearing him say “I love you” - that was and is especially spot on), Bryce Remsburg (it broke my heart hearing him speak about getting the phone call about Ben as he was walking into the memorial they were having the same day for recently passed Andy “The Butcher” Williams, another person in wrestling we lost way too soon), Stokely Hathaway, Josh Alexander…
And then we get to Chuck Taylor. Who, having known Ben since 2007, when he was 21 years old, was one of the people who had known him the longest out of everyone - there’s a moment where he tears off the PAC armband he and everyone else is wearing and says in the most sad/frustrated/angry voice, “And I have so many of these fucking things now. And I’m so tired of having these. I love you Ben.” He kisses the armband and looks up the camera. His face is worn out. Tired. Hurting.
Chuck Taylor is the picture of grief. His raw open emotion is the outward expression of what he and everyone else who knew Ben was and even a month later is still feeling.
If there is one thing we can take away from this, it is that life is too short. You genuinely don’t know what may happen in the next week, day or hour. Which is why it is so important to take advantage of every opportunity to tell your family and friends you love them. Tell the person you look up to how much you admire them. Text the friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile and let them know you’re thinking of them. Connections are vital in life - take the time to renew the ones that you may have let go of for a bit. And always, always, always take the pictures.
PAC’s legacy, just like Andy Williams, Bray Wyatt, Brodie Lee, Jay Briscoe and everyone else in wrestling that we lost too young, will live forever. We can look back at their matches, see the tribute videos and share the photos. We can also look at the art produced by the grief and be glad that his friends had an outlet that enabled them to work through their emotions, and is still allowing them the space to do so as well as have a community that will support them.
We, too, when we are confronted with grief have the means to work through their emotions. Always remember, it is better to express than repress. Better out than in.
Or, as Marina put it, eyes up. Lock in. The only way out is through.
Gravity may have forgotten you, Benjamin Satterley, but we never will. Thank you for everything.
