Five Years. One name.

I still have this picture on my computer. It's the only one that survived the purge after the horrific events five years ago. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because it's a picture of the Chris Benoit that myself as well as hundreds of thousands of fans and even close friends and relatives knew. He looks so proud, so calm and content as WWE's World Heavyweight Champion, silhouetted by the Canadian flag in the background.

Over the past weekend, from time to time I would dwell on what happened that horrid weekend in June of 2007. I saw a lot of conversation about it, and Benoit, over various social media. Then I took a look back at my Live Journal to see what I had posted about it. I'm copying and pasting those entries here. This first is from June 25th:

"WWE.com is saying that Chris Benoit and his wife, Nancy aka "Woman" from ECW/WCW, were found dead in their home in Atlanta today. They had 2 kids, no word if they're dead as well since the news only said "Chris Benoit and his family" were found..

This is messed up. I know you see on the news various deaths, disappearances, what not and I feel bad...but this one I actually screamed when I just read it..good God what the fuck? This had to be murder. HAD TO BE. Good God I'm in shock and there's no news...

He's just dead. Chris Benoit is dead. Good God.

*Edit* And his son, Daniel. Jesus.."

This next is from June 26th (appropriately the journal title was "The Walls We Build"):

"...I still absolutely refuse to condemn Christopher Benoit until all the facts, and I mean ALL the facts, are out and open. That means waiting for the toxicology reports which take up to two weeks to my knowledge.

However I'm slowly trying to absorb all the info thrown out there, to sort what's real and what's rumor, and now the mainstream media has gotten ahold of the story. And you know what that means.

Steroids.

I've read so much conflicting stuff about what steroids can do to you I'm so confused. But the press release from wwe.com makes excellent points...is it going to be taboo to mention Chris Benoit's contribution to the wrestling world? How am I supposed to feel, as a fan of his, if it does turn out he did all this purposely, steroids or no? Am I supposed to defend his actions, make excuses and suffer the stares of people who never saw his work or feel his emotion in and out of the ring? Am I supposed to forget the skill and beauty of his work, his passion and ethusiasm for the art of wrestling? Am I supposed to condemn him utterly and forget all he did?

I can't and I won't and I pray God something's wrong, something will turn up in the investigation that clears him. I'm clinging to my memories of him...and to that night, to RAW's Eddie G tribute show, when he broke down and cried, literally sobbed, making me break down too. He showed just how genuine and deeply he felt for another man who was akin to a brother. He could feel and he DID feel.

I cling to the memory of that man. And I pray he's exonorated.

And FUCK the media who decry the WWE and Vince for honoring him last night! No one knew the details! And why NOT honor him at that time?? Before all this bullshit, before all the questions and the rumors, when his image was uncluttered and untarnished by suspicion? No, they did the RIGHT THING and fuck Fox news, fuck MSBNC (Scarrsborough County to be precise), and fuck the others who are rushing to judgement and condemnation, both on the WWE and on Chris Benoit.

Maybe I'm stupid and in denial. I don't care. This is my right, as a fan of Christopher's. I will remain true to him until concrete proof. I couldn't do otherwise. And I won't."

June 29th:

"This week has been a nightmare. I swear, if it wasn't for routine work/sleep/food/reading I'd go crazy. People may think I'm overreacting to the Chris Benoit situation...after all he's not a friend or family member..

But I looked up to this man. I admired him. I thought he was handsome, noble, a wonderful husband and father, a skillful performer....and this just shocks the hell out of me. I still can't wrap my head around it and I still refuse to believe fully that he did this. Or, at the very least, did it on purpose.

I could find it easier to accept if some type of drug or steroid even had altered his mood so that he did this in an altered state and once back to normal realized what he'd done and took his own life in remorse. That fits better with the knowledge I had of him, but even the fact something could've made this very disciplined man "snap" and kill the two people he loved most on this earth (besides his other son and daughter) then himself...it's just not right.

And the media is going hog wild, blaming Vince, steroids, a "code of silence" in the WWE (that was Debra's claim)...but it looked like all drugs and scripts in his house were legal, including the steroids which to my knowledge do have a medical use? I'm not sure on that, if anyone has any info it'd be appreciated it...but if he'd been taking them for awhile, why would it just NOW have an effect on his mind/mood?

God bless Chris Jericho. Out of all the former wrestlers/WWE employees to speak out, he's the voice of reason. He was just on Greta Van Sustren's show on Fox (she wasn't hosting, there was a guest host since Greta's out tonight), and the lady interviewing him was very respectful, seemed to know something about the business of wrestling, didn't push the steroids and didn't go after Benoit or Chris Jericho for defending his reputation as a family man. You could see the pain in his eyes, however...it hurts to know he's hurting.

We're all hurting - friends, family and the thousands of fans. We just want to know why and how and we may never know...I think that hurts the most."

I never wrote about it again. At least publicly. It threw me for such a loop that even though I didn't get out of wrestling (in September I went to Unforgiven in Memphis), I couldn't bring myself to think about it. Later in June/early July I went to a friend's wedding in Oregon and I remember seeing the People magazine with Benoit on the cover. I stopped and flipped through it but I don't think I bought one. I even talked about it with friends who weren't into wrestling. I just couldn't understand.

Five years later, I have more understanding but still mixed feelings. From all the studies done on Chris Benoit's brain, apparently his style of wrestling gave him so many concussions and injuries that it aged him to where (according to his father) his brain was like that of an 85 year old Alzheimer's patient. That would explain why a man that was so upright and devoted to his family would commit acts that were wholly against his nature. But it still doesn't explain it fully. For instance, even if killing his wife Nancy was an accident (and that's a stretch considering she was bound hand and foot - not an accident), he killed Daniel a day later. He had a full day to consider his actions and realise what he had done. But a day later he killed his own son (from what I've read, when he was still asleep in bed) and then killed himself after sending out text messages on Sunday. I think that's the sequence.

The fact is...Chris Benoit deliberately killed his family and then himself. He placed Bibles by them, which, speaking solely from my point of view, seems to signify remorse or asking for forgiveness. But who knows what that truly means. I read somewhere that in a Bible that was in the possessions his ex-wife received there was a note stating that he was preparing to leave this life. If true, that's the closest thing to a suicide note.

Five years later...I'm still conflicted as to if I should feel guilty for watching his matches or not. Because he was, without a doubt, one of the best technical wrestlers in the world. I have pictures of him from the events I attended, such as a Smackdown taping and Judgment Day 2000 (where he had one of my favourite matches against Chris Jericho) that I couldn't get rid of. When Lee mentioned he had the Eddie Guerrero "Cheating Death, Stealing Life" and Chris Benoit "Hard Knocks" DVDs he was going to get rid of, I asked for them and he gave them to me. That was over a year ago and I still haven't been able to watch them. Yet I've watched the three way at Wrestlemania XX where he won the World Heavyweight Title a few times in the past five years. And at the end I cry every time. Every fucking time.

There are fans who can watch his matches with no guilt. There are fans who never speak his name. I don't begrudge them their choices, because each fan has had to deal with this in their own way. What I can't abide are the people who somehow still think that Benoit was set up or somehow wasn't responsible for the murders. That just isn't true. You look at the facts of the investigation that have come out and it's undeniable. Benoit killed Nancy, Daniel and then himself. What I also can't abide are the people who still want to argue that he deserves to be honoured for his accomplishments in wrestling, even given an entry into WWE's Hall of Fame.

Now, granted, WWE's HOF isn't exactly the illustrious pinnacle that WWE wants you to think it is. After all, Drew Carey and Pete Rose are in there (ironic that Rose is in a wrestling HOF and will probably never be in the baseball HOF). Last year they inducted Mike Tyson, a man who was convicted of rape and served a prison sentence. Him, however, I can overlook - Tyson has changed dramatically and turned his life around. He served his time and it seems to have made him realise he had to change. Plus, he was actually convicted of rape, unlike the hundreds of rapists that go scott free without any type of remorse.

But the fact that fans would still like to see a man who killed his wife and son, and then killed himself honored....no. That is appalling to me because, as great of an athlete as he was, his last actions overshadow everything he did. He took innocent lives and then, instead of facing the consequences of his actions, he killed himself and denied his family, coworkers and friends an explanation for his actions. We don't even know why he killed himself - was it remorse? Regret? Pain? To escape the legal consequences or the guilt? There are so many things we will never know.

In the aftermath, Nancy's family set up this foundation as a tribute. http://www.nancyanddanielbenoitfoundation.com/  That, and the knowledge about how much damage concussions can do over time, are the good things that have come out of this. I pray that the knowledge has come in time to make significant and lasting changes in wrestling and other sports.

As for me, my views have changed since writing those heart broken journal entries. He wasn't exonerated. Instead it was proven that he killed his family and then himself. Be it due to brain injuries or something that just "broke" inside him, he deliberately killed his wife and son a day apart. That leans towards having the intent, the purpose and the will to commit these horrid actions. Then he made plans that would enable them to be found within a day or two. Then he killed himself. And I can't over look that. I just can't. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to watch his matches again without feeling guilty. And that's okay.

Five years on, my passion for wrestling burns brighter than ever. I pray that somewhere, Nancy and Daniel have found peace.  Maybe one day I can bring myself to pray for Chris' soul as well. Just...not right now.